5.22.2011

Warning: This may make you laugh uncontrollably

So if you've ever heard of the Daily Universe, you probably went to school at BYU. And you probably realized reading it was a waste of time. Do you remember this story? One to never be forgotten. The BEST part of the paper, however, is the Police Beat. Each week the newspaper publishes stories about why people call the campus police. Sometimes all you can say is, "Are you serious?!" Or other times all you can do is laugh hysterically. Here are some of my favorites (the best part is in bold):

March 4: Microwaves from Helaman Halls were moved into the hall lounge, where someone destroyed them by running food in them for a considerable amount of time. When officers responded they found the ruined microwaves along with charred remains of a burrito.

May 9 A suspicious male was reported in the JRCB 2nd floor men’s restroom. Upon investigation police observed a toilet seat covered in miniature marshmallows. The marshmallows were thrown away. There was no damage.

May 15 A resident at Wymount complained about a radio nearby being too loud around 10 p.m. When police arrived at the neighboring tenant’s apartment, they found the tenant talking to her mother on speakerphone. The call was terminated.

May 14 While at a bus stop a female reported a male saying that if the bus did not get there soon he would not make it to his storage unit in time to get the money he needed to buy beer. If the bus was late, he would have to steal the beer and if cops got in the way, he would do whatever needed to get it with his meat hook. Police calmed the man down upon arrival.

Jan. 20: Officers received reports of students climbing trees in front of the McKay Building. When officers responded, the students told police they had not been climbing the trees, but had just been looking up in them for a geocache. The geocache was located while police were present.

March 2: Officers received a report of a van with fogged windows and seats removed from the vehicle. The caller suspected lewd acts were being committed in the van. Upon arrival, the officers discovered 10 fully-clothed individuals watching a movie.

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